Recently I meet someone that got me thinking about how much effort I put into not wanting to be single. Over time I have come to understand that the Ideology of being single for a young adult especially female in Nigeria seems almost like a taboo.
- “Are you in a relationship?”
Apparently there should be an explanation to being single, such as being unattractive, having a horrible personality, being too picky, too emotional, uneven proportion of men to women, still in the closet and etcetera.
The pressure is real and simply unfair, it is intense enough that we are created naturally to seek companionship, however in search for this companionship, it is important that we are not controlled by this need, leading to desperation.
It is very natural for single men and women to feel lonely once in a while and seek love and affection from another; This to me explains the concept of the missing rib, of how a man may sometimes feel a form of emptiness due to lack of emotional or maybe physical companionship, or a woman’s need to feel complete or whole by the love, respect and protection of a man. Therefore naturally everyone desires a partner, no matter how hard we try to pretend, or how much we enjoy our independence and freedom, or how much we are willing to sacrifice for our careers. Nevertheless it is important that we take our time in making certain decisions, than making one that may end up in regrets.
Often times we meet people we are attracted to and may have certain qualities we desire and due to that we automatically or more appropriately forcefully appoint them into the position of an emotional partner, with or without their permission, making us vulnerable to hurt. At this point you have no one else to blame but yourself for not being patient enough.
This is one lesson that I have been forced to learn, that the dynamics of life and living is not quite the same as it was in time past or as portrayed in chick flicks, where a young man is more in search of love and a wife, than the freedom of multiple sexual partners. Women have fortunately or unfortunately become more liberal on all fronts including their sexual availability and as a result you can’t blame a man for being confused when he goes on his Instagram and sees a naked woman after every other post. It just doesn’t end there, once he slides into her DM (direct message) it’s as good as sliding into other sacred places, rappers even rap about this and the temptation seems to even be more for our ideal successful men, who is every woman’s dream. Therefore some men/ boys in recent times are slower to commit to a monogamous relationship for the fear of hurting someone they would have possibly seen themselves with had they not been so distracted.
One might say girls like bad boys and that if a girl wants to be serious she should look for a serious man that is ready to settle down or she should pay attention to the serious guys asking her out. I would like to say again that it is important that no one allows themselves to be pressurised by another person’s ideology of what is or isn’t right. You must not regret whom you choose to have feelings for because not all that glitters is gold. Some of the so-called “ready people” are not any better, they simply don’t mind stringing you on until they eventually get what they want, and eventual leave you hurt with no remorse. So feel free to date as much as you want, your attracted to someone for what ever reason, then why not give it a shot. #shoot your shot. There is no set formula to getting out of being single and remaining happy that applies to every human being. I would only advice that in dating both men and women should set standards and boundaries that ensure your integrity is in place until you know for certain that your partner is ready for your vulnerabilities, i.e you both have grown to the point of selflessness.
Being a single woman or man is not an evil spell cast on you by your village people (at least not in most cases lol). I see it as an important period of growth and self-discovery.
However, being lonely can be a serious predicament that could lead to depression and at its worse death. So it important that we do not self inflict loneliness on ourselves as a result of being single. We can always engage our minds and spend time with genuine friends and family as we find time to understand and love ourselves.
At the start of this post, I spoke briefly about a special friend that got me to think critically on what I spent my emotional energy on; He happens to be an attractive, funny, sweet and very successful man; of which naturally I would have started making wedding plans and allowed my imagination collaborate with my emotions to create different strategies on how the young man can rescue me from the spell of singleness.
However, for the first time instead of going on an emotional rampage, I have been more concerned on how much I can improve myself and things I am passionate about, so I can also be as successful woman. Like the old saying goes “Iron sharpens iron”,
so in the long run if I intend to be with a successful man, I should also strive to be successful.
On the Next Part of this post, which would be Vlogged, we would talk about the practical pros and cons of being single as opposed to being in a relationship and how we can patiently wait for what is truly ours.